| deciding to stay up all night, because i have been feeling sad and i need distractions and i'm afraid of the torrent of thought that always happens when i'm trying to fall asleep sooo...i am here. i miss having a foundation to stand on. i hope things work out. going out to buffalo tomorrow to scour the city for jobs...i'm excited to live there and for the opportunities i'm imagining it will bring. but i also hope i'm making the right decision, it's all very intimidating. i haven't started over for real since going to fredonia. |
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| this weekend was a total lost weekend |
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| didn't get any fucking sleep, so i guess life is mean, went outside around five in the morning, had a smoke and it was bright as day with the sun coming up and the full moon not down yet and i could hear that early morning sound of i don't know what exactly, maybe trucks getting ready to ship out, reminds me of getting up early to go on school trips. nothing left to do now but put a sheet over the one window that's exposed, try and at least lay back for a couple hours, think i'll put pet sounds on. i like the echo of the production, makes me feel underwater but in a cozy positive way. but fuck brian wilson; i'm listening to the stereo version. i was at cody's earlier, my visits are getting shorter and shorter, i just haven't been feeling too social. i went for a night bike ride and in the true nature of an aimless hermit such as myself avoided all the busy parts of town where the crassness of everyday life sneaks in; instead i went to secret places, i imagined, the places that held only the faintest memories now, but happy ones. i had forgotten all about the special olympics fountain. i rode beneath bleachers that were absolutely huge til i got to a fence and i watched the grass grow on the high school lawn and thought about waiting for rides on beautiful fall afternoons after play practice or on snowy snowy winter nights after jazz band. then i hightailed it home, got there a little bit faster cause i was paranoid about maybe campus police catching me or something. |
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| i decided on analphabetapolothology disc 2 by cap'n jazz, because i fell in love with disc one and pretty much everything about it. |
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| i got a bunch of blank cds from my parents for my birthday. since my computer doesn't have sound anymore, i've been burning a bunch of cds lately, mostly stuff that i hadn't been able to really get into without speakers. so right now i'm trying to decide exactly whaaaaaaaaat i want to listen to. i don't think i could listen to the zombies or wu tang or even young dro at this very moment without thinking about dan or lida or cody and all the stuff we used to do. or "& nico." trip wilsons. they're a band i saw in apalachin two summers ago. what a beautiful summer that was. this is a very strange summer. i don't know what to make of it. i feel like i'm making a lot of progress or something but i feel really distant most of the time, like it's hard to really talk to people as openly as i used to. |
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